"Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole..."

Those of you who read my siblings blogs will know that our family watches It's a Wonderful Life every Christmas Eve, this year was no exception.

Those of you who know me well also know that I am a Jimmy Stewart fan, he's my all time favorite actor, probably because I was routinely exposed to his movies at an early age. Never the less, Stewart isn't the only reason it's one of my favorites, neither is the fact that it's tradition. I love it because every time I watch this scene I tear up. "Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole..." Every time I watch it I want to hug my parents and thank them for bringing me into the world. The story is amazing and so true.

This year I laughed and cried at the same places as before, but this year, 2009, has been different than others. Somehow, the movie I've seen a millions times, and pretty much have memorized, seems different, like I'm looking at it in a different light.

All of us have been born with a handicap, we have only one pair of eyes, and no matter what technology does (camera, video) we will never see life through any other eyes but our own. George Bailey's reeling mind was intent on seeing only self-pity and depression, he had he wanted to build things, make his mark on the world and travel. Instead he was stuck in a small town struggling through the business of "nickels and dimes" he hadn't got what he wanted and he couldn't see all the good he had done. George Bailey saw himself as a failure he felt under appreciated, overwhelmed, and hopeless.

When we watch George stare at the rushing river desperately we want to pull him back and yell at him to stop, to tell him he has friends and purpose, people love him and need him. We wonder why he doesn't see this, and it ends up taking a Heavenly intervention to show George how other people viewed his life, how God viewed George Bailey. For a few moments his handicap was taken off, and it makes for an amazing experience and a wonderful movie.

There are two types of people in this world: A) people who LOVE It's A Wonderful Life and voted it the the #1 Inspirational Movie of all times B) those who think it's a sappy depressing movie and unrealistic, they hate it.
(For the record there is a third group C) Those who couldn't care less. For simplicity's sake we're leaving them out of the equation.)

I think most of the people in group B only remember the part of the movie I was just talking about, they remember George as the hopeless man, the man who we all at some point in our lives have all felt like. We wonder if we've ever done anything right, if our lives will ever improved, if God is really out there, if it was all really worth it, we wonder if maybe... it would have been better it we had never been born.

Now I know I'll never make the wish George did, but this year I surprised myself when I realized I was watching through eyes green with envy. I was envious of George's experience. I want to know how God sees me, I want to know if other people really care that much about me. I certainly am not and thousands of dollars deep in debt and about to be arrested for a crime I did not commit after being set up by the villain of peace and happiness in my town, but lately it's felt like my own little world and my own little life has been falling apart.

I guess I've not been feeling of much worth, I'm just one of Tom's many daughters, I'm just a girl walking a baby by the side of the road, I'm just the girl who shelved that book in your hands so you could find it easily, and when you bring it back, I'll just shelve it again. I am not the type of person who will discover a cure for cancer, or save millions of lives. I don't expect that, but I confess, I'd like to be needed, I'd like to think that if I didn't walk the baby nobody would, but I know someone will. I'd like to think that if I didn't put the book away nobody would be able to find it, but I know someone else will take care of it, it's not hard. And while George Bailey ran the family business because no one else could, I have a lot of family, if I don't do it, someone else will.

Those in group A) remember that at the end of It's a Wonderful Life George Bailey's friends and family come out in an amazing show of love and support, trying to give back to him some of their livelihood, just as he had spent his life helping them. It's a tear-jerker, miraculous and a lovely display of love.

This is where I'm jealous at this fictitious character played by m favorite actor. This is the end of my story so far, I don't have a "Auld Lang Syne" ending... not yet. I'm still stuck on the bridge wondering if my life is worth anything, wondering if I really make an impact on other people's lives. Like I said, I'm not stupid enough to wish I'd never been born, but it still leaves me wondering, how big of a hole would I make?

How big?