No Fooling

It’s sadly amusing to think about what my plans for today, April 1st, 2012, were. I was going to make vanilla pudding and eat it out of a mayo jar in public. I was going to sneak into the library before opening and hide all the rubber bands and pens. I was going to hack my brother’s facebook account and change his relationship status.

Now I’m avoiding going to sleep because I don’t want to think about tomorrow.

I don’t want to think about wake up early and packing the bright pink outfit I’m wearing for the funeral because pink was my Aunt’s favorite color and we’re all wearing it to honor her.

I don’t want to think about the long silent car ride to my Grandparents.

I don’t want to think about standing in line and meeting all the people who’s lives my Aunt touched with her beauty and go-get-em attitude.

I don’t want to thing about sitting there and listening to my sisters play Amazing Grace while I try to remember that my Aunt is in a better place. I know that she is in a better place, and I know that even though that’s a good thing, that I’ll be regretting never getting to tell her how much I admired her and never getting to say good bye.

I don’t want to have to be reminded all day of how really fragile life is, that you can be healthy and young one day and gone the next.

I don’t want to watch my big strong Uncle cry.

I don’t want to watch tears running down my little sister’s face and not be able to ask her questions.

I don’t want to cry myself.

But all this is going to happen on a day when I had been planing on grossing people out by fake eating mayo. Tomorrow won’t be any type of joke. There won’t be any fooling around, although in the back of all of our minds I think we’re still hoping a little bit that someone will jump out and say “Hey no worries! She’s not really gone forever! April Fools!”

But that’s not going to happen, and that’s the cruelest joke of all.