Trials, Tribs, and Trying to be Thankful for Them

Most of you read the Bella and Bob story that I posted on The Blank Page. I wrote that story for a writing contest that was being sponsored by the Library. I entered this same contest last year and won 2nd place. (Not a big achievement, there were only 6 or so entries.) The contest went all summer but I just couldn't get an idea for the life of me. I was taking a writing class and I really felt my skill improve as the summer progressed. Finally the day after the last class, 4 days before the deadline for the contest, I had a flash of inspiration, and out of that came Bella and Bob. I worked very hard on the story to get in done in time, staying up late, e-mailing people for opinions. When I was done, and turned it in, I was happy. Bella and Bob was much better than the story I'd written for the previous contest and I was confident of winning something. Karina (the Librarian in charge of the contest) had even told me a couple weeks earlier that there were hardly any entries as it was. I even considered not entering, because it wouldn't seem fair to win just because there was no one to beat. But Mom convinced me to enter and I did, feeling quite confident.

Yesterday was the morning Karina said she was going call the winners. I stayed relatively close to the phone all morning. By the time 11:30 had rolled around I decided that Karina had known I was coming into work today and was going to save a phone call and tell me later. Unless I didn't win... I ended up having a debate with myself.

No Lydia, bad thought, bad thought! But hey, it could happen, you're not a sure-in or anything. But B&B was really good! Remember that Sara (friend of mine who won last year) entered something too. Maybe I should just keep my options open... Be prepared for both.

So I imagined what it would be like to lose, it was a very brief thought, imagining winning was much more fun. I had my post all written out in my head about how the Olympics having so many medals, but my writing contest ribbon being just as special to me. By the time I got to work I had everything but the punctuation worded out. After about half an hour I worked up the courage to ask Karina, a funny feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.

If you hadn't already guessed, I didn't place at all. They even added a third place because there were so many last minute entries.

My friend Sara won and the 2nd and 3rd place entries were written by high schoolers I recognized from the community. I seriously felt like I got hit with a pile of bricks.

I was somehow able to keep a fake smile on my face and act like it was fine and the contest meant absolutely nothing to me. I continued with my job trying hard not to cry and telling my self what an idiot I was for being so confident.

I hope you don't think I was being proudful when I thought I could win, I don't think I was, I was just being my optimistic hopeful self, with dire consequences.

Of course right after my dreadful news I stared to feel really sick, I hadn't felt well all week and have been having bouts of stomach trouble, and of course then it had to hit full force.

You know how sometimes you come out of a situation and you realize "Hey! That was a trial! I got through it! At least it's over now." Well this was different, The second I started to feel sick I knew this was a tribulation I was going to have to work through, I knew I had to keep a smile on my face, I knew I had to pretend I felt peachy-keen and be happy when all I wanted to do was go home and lay and my bed and cry on my Mommy's lap.

But I realized I'm 17 years old and I had to work through it like a woman. That next hour was pretty bad, I was feeling so sick I couldn't concentrate on the computer screen, partly because of blurred vision and partly because my brain refused to remember how to check a book out. Of course in that hour all the most annoying library patrons had to come in.

But I kept going, I refused to cry and I plastered on the fakest smile imaginable. After an hour my medicine started to kick in and I became so busy I didn't have time to be "woe is me"-ish.

On my break later that day I picked up People magazine to look at a article about Steven Curtis Chapman (that is the ONLY reason I would read that magazine, don't worry.) Mr. Chapman lost his 5 year old daughter a few months ago in a tragic accident. As I read the article I felt really guilty, this poor family is morning the lose of a little girl and I'm blubbering about a contest. I should be thankful I'm alive. At the same time I felt special that God cared about my little disappointment, even if it was silly.

So I'm not quite sure were this is going, I'm still not as happy as I should be. But I'm peaceful and submitted to God's will. Who knows, maybe my losing this contest is some great test, and someday I'll look back and realize this was a turning point in my life. I don't know. But I am able to say this:

I'm thankful I lost the contest because it gave me an opportunity to submit to God's will and be happy about it, even when I really really didn't want to.